I’ve wanted to weigh 1000 pounds for a long time, at least since I was in the 5th grade. I’ve been fascinated by the idea of taking up significantly more space. I find something funny about the idea of my stomach bumping into something that is 3 feet away from my center of gravity, which is something that could never happen to someone who is in good shape. I can’t get my mind around what it would feel like to be that big. Strangely, I can imagine what it would be like to weigh just a few ounces. Perhaps some remote part of my brain remembers when I was that small in the womb, who knows. But being that big, having that much more surface area, is something I can’t picture. So for a long time I thought it would be fun to try to experience that.

And television only makes this 1000 pound lifestyle seem more attractive. Do you ever see these gigantic slobs on Dr. Phil or Maury Povich or something? What a life! You get to watch tv all day, you get to pee in a bucket, and you never have to wash yourself. Sure, that sounds a lot like my life now, but it’s actually a sanctioned lifestyle when you’re 1000 pounds. And the best part is, someone is always bring you doughnuts. I don’t know what it is, but every time I watch one of these shows somebody is bringing these fat people a couple dozen doughnuts that they then toss in their mouth by the handful like skittles. Then these shows always interview a loved one who is crying and saying they don’t understand how their child/sibling/spouse got so fat. And the weird part is, it’s always the person who just gave them the doughnuts who is saying that. What a wonderful scam! And these fat people often have kids, which means not only little hands to clean deep crevices, but also that someone is having sex with these people. What’s not to love about this lifestyle? Sure, your skin gets grafted to your mattress and they end up burying you in a piano crate, but those are concerns for other people.

My problem was that as much as I tried I could never get anywhere near 1000 pounds. I love eating and I love eating calorie dense foods, but I could never get myself past about 320 pounds. And to think of getting myself to weigh three times that amount was inconceivable. It would be like imagining myself in the NBA. Sure, it’s theoretically possible but the likelihood of it is so outrageous that I can’t really seriously consider it. So now I find myself at 299 pounds and there is nothing good about that. I’m completely out of shape but if I ask someone to bring me a dozen doughnuts they’re like, “Get your own doughnuts, fatass.” There must be some sort of bell-curve where people will bring you food — maybe if you’re under 100 pounds or over 800 pounds people will ply you with doughnuts. I don’t know the exact figures, all I know is that I’m not in either of the sweet spots.

So, I’ve decided to lose my excess weight. I figure, if nothing else at least I can be in decent shape. But my problem is one of motivation. I’m relatively healthy, I’m active, I’m not fat enough that people point and gasp, kids don’t laugh at me, I receive sexual overtures from attractive people, and I’ve never had to shop at a big and tall store. So the motivation really has to be all internal for me. And realizing that, I’ve had to think about a way of losing the weight that I thought would really work for me. Hence this blog.

All my life I’ve had an interest in self-experimentation. I like to put my body and mind through different experiments. I also like the idea of fad-diets (or fads in general). Now, I don’t think they work, in fact I think they’re retarded. Well, I should say that they probably will “work” but only due to the fact that they limit your calories in some way. Of course, that’s all it ever comes down to. At least I’ve never seen any scientific evidence that it doesn’t come down to calories. But people love to think they’ve come up with some magical combination of foods. And I’m willing to give all these dumb ideas a shot. People always talk about fad diets and say, “Well it worked for the first few days, but then after that I didn’t notice any results.” It seems like every diet works at the beginning. So my idea was to have a diet that consisted only of the beginnings of other diets. It’s the Fad-Diet Diet. Yes, I know, it’s ingenious. So that’s my plan. I’m going to try every fad diet I can uncover for a few days or a week each and then report on how they go. Fun, right? Well, I think it will be. Tomorrow will be the first day and the start of the first fad diet experiment.

See you then.