Ok, here it is. The first fad diet in this diet cavalcade is going to be the Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet. “48-Hours,” that’s a good short period of time. “Miracle” is almost always a good word. And “Hollywood” sure makes it sound like it’s being used by all of today’s hottest stars like Jonathan Taylor Thomas and funnyman Carlos Mencia.

The way this– and all future– diets will work is that I will go on them for the allotted period of time and write daily reports. After the diet I will eat normally for one day. A diet isn’t worth shit if you gain most of it back after a day of eating like a normal person. Then I will write up a summary of my results.

Later today I will write up my report on Day 1 of the Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet. Forgive me if it’s incoherent but I haven’t eaten in 33 hours.