Alas, Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet, you have now passed. Our time together was brief, but memorable.

But what are the numbers? Well, after 48 hours on the juice, I had lost about 8.5 pounds. After a day of eating normally I regained 3.5 of those pounds for an actual weight loss of 5 pounds. 5 pounds over the course of 2 days isn’t too shabby. It’s not the ten the makers of the juice claim — and if anyone should come close to ten, it should be a bigger guy like me — but it’s alright.

Would I recommend this diet to anyone else. Not for a moment. It’s complete bullshit. Even the label on the bottle tells you as much. It says, quite clearly:

Weight loss based on fasting and moderate exercise.

In other words, the juice doesn’t have goddamn thing to do with it. So why would people pay $15 dollars a quart for it? Search me.

Will you lose weight on this thing? Absolutely, but as they themselves point out, it’s because you’re fasting and you’re getting a little exercise (or you should be at least). And since you’re not consuming any salt, you’ll also retain less water. But of course the moment you go back to eating food and salt, you’ll put a good portion of the weight back on.

So, if you want to do this diet, let’s at least save you some money.

Andy’s Ghetto Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet

2 cups Orange Juice
2 cups Apple Juice
2 cups pineapple juice
2 cups water or seltzer

Mix all the ingredients together.

How to use: Pour yourself a glass (1 cup – 8 oz) of this wonder potion at 8 AM, Noon, 4 PM, and 8PM, and sip it slowly over the course of 4 hours. At 9am, 11am, 1pm, 3pm, 5pm, 7pm, 9pm, and 11pm, chug one cup (8 oz) of regular water.

Walk for 30 minutes total on Day 1 and again on Day 2. You may do it all at once or broken up into 2 or 3 segments.

Take a multi-vitamin and multi-mineral.

Shed pounds like a rockstar.

Regain about half of what you lost the first day you go back to eating normally.

Have fun. I recommend this diet if you’re trying to lose some pounds to fit into a bridesmaid dress or look a few pounds lighter at your high-school reunion. But ultimately, the only way you’re really going to keep the weight off is if you die at the end of the 48 hours. So if you’re trying to look your best for a suicide, this is the way to go.

If anyone actually tries this, send me an e-mail and let me know how it worked for you.