I’ve been reading a history of Coke these past few days that is pretty fascinating. It’s called For God, Country & Coca-Cola by Mark Pendergrast. If this was a more sophisticated blog I would have that as a link to Amazon and if you bought it through there I would make a quarter or something. I can’t bother with that but if you want it you can probably get it from Amazon, and if you want to send me a quarter I’ll give you my address.

Anyway, the history of Coca-Cola is fascinating, as I imagine the history of any company that’s been around for so long would be. It started as a patent medicine and did in fact have cocaine in it when it was first introduced. That’s how you know how goddamn delicious Coca-Cola is; it had cocaine in it and when that was removed the beverage only increased in popularity.

Here’s an ad from 1887:

COCA-COLA SYRUP AND EXTRACT For Soda Water and other Carbonated Beverages. This Intellectual Beverage and Temperance Drink contains the valuable Tonic and Nerve Stimulant properties of the Coca plant and Cola (or Kola) nuts, and makes not only a delicious, exhilarating, refreshing and invigorating Beverage (dispensed from the soda water fountain or in other carbonated beverages), but a valuable Brain Tonic and a cure for all nervous affections — Sick Head-Ache, Neuralgia, Hysteria, Melancholy, etc. The peculiar flavor of COCA-COLA delights every palate.

Those were the good old days when you could make any claims you damn well please in your advertisements.

Well, for the duration of the Coke and McDonald’s Diet I’ve decided to act as if these miraculous properties are all true. You might say that’s silly to pretend that Coke has some mystical healing properties. Yes, but the placebo effect is a wonderful thing. A lot of people believe in ancient healing techniques that are just as bullshit as the Coke ad above; some even more so. How about homeopathy. Do you know what homeopathy is? It’s witchcraft, that’s what it is. It’s completely bogus, but millions of people like to think it works. So I’m going to pretend that Coca-Cola is the miracle beverage it was once advertised as. I’ve been looking for a good Brain Tonic.