Man, what I wouldn’t give for a little fried egg and toast for breakfast, but no it’s another Special K morning instead. It’s unfortunate that that’s the way the mind works — that you always want the things you can’t have. You may be in a perfectly happy relationship but you still can’t keep your mind off the neighbor across the street. You can have a really satisfying job but you always second-guess if you’ve made the right career choice. The grass is always greener and the breakfast alternative is always tastier. I remember when I was doing Atkins I would have pushed my grandma down the stairs for a bowl of Special K. Not anymore. I once tried to harness the awesome power of the prohibited foods by saying to myself, “Andy, you are not allowed to have any fruits, vegetables, or health foods. You are only allowed to eat ‘junk’ food or food that’s high in fat and calories.” To which my body replied, “It’s about goddamn time! This is what I wanted all along.” So that didn’t work out so well.
I have a bit of a warning for you if you try the Special K diet. I’ve tried a few different varieties of their cereal and they have all been pretty tasty. I’ve tried the Fruit and Yogurt kind and the Chocolatey Delight kind and they were both good. I’ve also had their Peaches and Berries Special K bar and thought that tasted good too, although it wasn’t particularly satisfying. But there was one Special K product I had that almost made me want to vomit and that is the Special K2O Protein Water. Avoid this shit. First off, I don’t think we were meant to drink protein (except as part of a sexual act). Second, where was I when we decided we could put sucralose in something and not put a big label on it that says, “This tastes like shit”? I know some people say they can’t taste the difference between artificial sweetener and the real thing, but I can and they don’t even taste close to me. You might as well be adding clam juice or sawdust, that’s how little like sugar this stuff tastes to me. So if you’re someone who can’t stand the taste of artificial sweeteners like me, I suggest you give this stuff a big old body swerve.
One more day.
