So, my friend had suggested we try the Master Cleanse. Google it if you don’t know what it is. Essentially you consume nothing but this lemonade concoction made with lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water. And that tastes just about as good as you would expect it to taste, which is to say, not good at all. Shitty, actually. Then at night you take an herbal laxative tea and in the morning you do a “saltwater flush” which makes you have to poo, but not a good hearty poo, but rather a slimy liquified poo. There’s lots of rules that go along with it too. You have to have fresh squeezed lemons, grade B maple syrup, and actual cayenne pepper (not cayenne pepper pills) and things like that.
As I’ve said, I was up for anything so I woke up that first morning of the Master Cleanse very eager to try it out. Then I tried the salt-water flush and I thought, “This is the most awful thing I’ve ever tasted in my life.” And it was, right up until a couple hours later when I tried the “lemonade.” Sweet Christ. First off, just because something is liquid and has lemon juice in it, it doesn’t make it lemonade. I knew I would have to stop using that term because that almost made it sound pleasant. I started calling it lemonugh because every time I looked at it I said, “Ugh, not more of this shit.”
The purpose of the Master Cleanse is actually not to lose weight. You will lose weight because you’re only consuming about 600 calories each day from the lemon juice, but that is not the goal of the diet as the proponents will tell you. It’s actual purpose is to detoxify your body. Some of the ways you’ll know it’s working is that you’ll get headaches and feel fatigued, you may have some breakouts of acne, and you’ll often get a coating of gunk on your tongue. This is your body eliminating toxins and it’s all very normal. So I wasn’t put off when it happened to me.
After 20 days on the Master Cleanse program I lost 26 pounds so it seemed to be pretty succesful. On top of that I wasn’t carrying around a bunch of extra toxins in my body, so that was good.
Then a year passed.
In that year I had an increased interest in diet and nutrition and had taken numerous courses in science — a subject I always loved – and had a more scientific mindset than ever. One day a second friend of mine came up and said she’d like to try the Master Cleanse and she knew that I had done it the previous year and asked for some help on how to do it. So I gave her all the information I had. Then she asked a simple question that may be the reason I’m writing this blog now. She asked, “Will you do it with me?” Well, I’m always up for a challenge but once I’ve done something once, it kind of loses its luster. So it took a lot of prodding on her part but eventually I agreed to go along with her and try it.
But this time I was going to do it the lazy way. It’s a pain to put the lemonade together from fresh lemons so I thought I would use bottled lemon juice. And then I thought maybe I’d use a different form of sugar than maple syrup, I’ve never had much of a taste for maple syrup. I thought I might be able to find some organic cane sugar juice or something like that. After that I figured it could taste alright if it wasn’t for the cayenne pepper so I figured, F the cayenne pepper, just drink it without the stuff. Since I had gone that far I figured I would just buy bottled lemonade from the store and make it real easy on myself. Then I thought, well hell, I’d gone this far, why not just forego the whole lemonade thing all together, why not just drink 600 calories a day of whatever the hell I felt like. Whether it be Coke, or juice, or Hawiian Punch, or Tang, or Starbucks coffee or whatever. This will be a good experiment. I didn’t plan on losing as much weight or getting as detoxified, but I would get to see how vastly different it was to be on the Master Cleanse as opposed to just drinking whatever I felt like.
And guess what?
It didn’t make a goddamn difference at all.
None of it — not the fresh squeezed lemons, the cayenne pepper, the grade-B maple syrup — nothing made a bit of difference.
First the weight loss. On the Master Cleanse I lost 26 pounds in 20 days, however after a couple weeks of eating like a normal person I gained back all but four pounds. The next year when I didn’t follow the rules of the Master Cleanse at all I lost 23 pounds in 20 days. However I kept off eight pounds of it.
But, of course, what you’ll hear is that the Master Cleanse isn’t about losing weight, it’s about detoxifying your body. And you’ll know it’s working because you’ll have all the symptoms of your body detoxifying. But again, I had those exact same symptoms when I was just drinking 600 calories of whatever I wanted everyday. And then I thought about it rationally. Of course people get headaches on the Master Cleanse, of course they feel tired, when you go on something like this you are essentially making yourself sick from not getting enough protein, calcium, and other nutrients. Tomorrow, instead of eating a normal’s day worth of food, just eat a large fries from McDonalds. At the end of the day you’ll feel tired and worn out. Is that your body detoxifying itself? No, you’re just hungry. The gunk you get on your tongue in the Master Cleanse is just the gunk you get from not eating much food. It’s not your body detoxifying itself.
In fact, if you ask a doctor who isn’t trying to sell you something, you’ll find that in general your body detoxifies itself just fine naturally without going through the Master Cleanse or anything along those lines. But hey, what’s millions of years of evolution when you compare it to a diet that’s been personally tried by Beyonce!
I know there are people who go on this diet and swear by it. The girl I went on it with the second time swore she had clearer skin when it was over. But when we showed our friends before and after pictures, nobody but her could tell one from the other. In a way it’s like astrology, or God; if you believe in it then it’s works for you regardless of whether there’s any truth to it or not.
I’ll put this last part in bold for anyone just skimming this:
In my opinion, which is based on doing the Master Cleanse for 20 days and then doing my own version a year later, I think it is at best a waste of your time and when pushed by people trying to sell books based on the idea, I think it’s pretty much bullshit.
Came across your blog while reading about the Master Cleanse. I’m in the process of ‘cleansing’ right now- and blogging about it. Your site is fantastic- I added a link!
I was thinking about doing the cleanse when I came across your blog. This post is hilarious. It made me really think twice about doing it though. I can consume 600 calories per day, of pretty much anything and still lose weight. Makes sense.
Oh no….my nature-loving-homeschooling-homeopathic-don’t-eat-anything-toxic friends are going to hate this post!
You are so f-hilarious!!! I was really thinking about doing this “cleanse” till i read your post…it is expensive too!
It is NOT expensive. When you consider the money you’d be spending on your normal diet during the 10 or however many days, buying lemons and maple syrup (even the expensive kind) is much much much cheaper.
My experience on the master cleanse (been off it for 2 1/2 weeks after 10 days on) has been that I haven’t gotten one headache after having gotten them regularly (maybe 3x a week) all my life. I lost about 9 pounds on the cleanse and yes, they’ve all come back. But like everyone says, it’s not a weight loss thing.
The person I did it with feels way more energized than she used to feel. I will fully admit that it could just be the placebo effect in action. Personally I don’t really feel different other than the lack of headaches, but that alone is reason enough for me to be fucking thrilled that I went through the annoying 10 days of missing chewing.
Thanks for your rationale, and also your little experiment. It seems obvious to me, and I have only taken one nutrition class, that obviously you will lose weight. But as you said, it’s more about “detoxification”. Sorry to be rude, but detoxification is some hippie-BS. Also as you said, we have kidney,s livers, etc. to clean out the junk in our bodies. Also, the guy who invented this did it in the 50′s! We have learned many things since then. He also tried the “cleanse” on a “patient” who had cancer, and the guy died.
Interesting and funny post, although I have to say that I tried the Master Cleanse for 10 days in December and it made an amazing difference to the eczema on my face – it all cleared up. I’d be surprised if that could be replicated with a 600 calorie a day coffee diet but until I actually try it I guess you never know…
You are so ignorant. Why don’t you learn about all the body’s organs and their functions?
Thanks, Audria.
Which organ of the body is responsible for processing magic elixirs?
Wow….I like your post. My friend and I are doing “the cleanse” right now and this has made us laugh. We are on day 4. We are both hungary. We are both a little cranky. But all in all, (and I can only truely speak for myself) I’m glad I’m doing this. Anytime we eat less of crappy food, due to a diet or cleanse or whatever, is a good thing. In the last three days I’ve learned that I DO have the will power to say no to junky food anytime I want and still live. And if nothing else, that is what I will take away from this. ;o)
Andy,
You’re an idiot!
i agree with diana. you’re an idiot
Interesting experiement, but whenever I do the cleanse, I get an amazing increase of energy, focus and clarity – at this point by the 4th or 5th day (I do the cleanse once or twice a year) – this is why I do it – also, to help me when I’m sick. Don’t know that coffee & soda would do that for me…
Really great post/article really informative.
This was hilarious! I’ve tried it several times for a few short days. My blood sugar drops but drinking the mixture helps and I’m not that hungry. I really want to do it to give my digestive system a rest from meat and to flush my body with the water. You can’t beat the amount of water you get into your system on this. And now I’m going to substitute with organic, not from concentrate lemon juice. I hate squeezing lemons.. I don’t have time to do that all day. Thanks to you.. I feel validated to do this now and not feel like I”m cheating. Besides the bottle juice has nothing.. not even calories.. LOL
Thanks!
Your post is absolutely hilarious. I was laughing and crying so hard and I was only half way done reading it. I’m with you, only consuming 600 calories a day eating anything and you’re going to lose weight. I think that the human body was designed rather efficiently without these overly holisitic philosophers trying to fcuk it up. Balanced nutrition is key, not a liquid diet. Thank you.
I am SO happy to have come across this blog! I’ve been reading all afternoon, and laughing so hard that I’m crying. I love this post especially, because I did the Master Cleanse for 10 days, and I totally agree that the “detoxifying” is bullshit.
I recently lost 125 pounds (from sensible eating and exercise, who would’ve thunk it?) and then gained 10 back–so I was thinking about doing the Master Cleanse again just to take off that 10 quickly. I, too, thought “Okay, this time I’ll just buy the bottled lemon juice and skip the cayenne and salt water flush altogether.” But after reading your blog, I’m tempted to try the Coke & McDonald’s diet!
Oh, and the gunk that forms on your tongue? Yes, it’s definitely from not eating. I broke my jaw in November and had my jaws wired shut for 6 weeks–which left me living off of Ensure, chicken broth, and liquidy pudding. You don’t even want to KNOW what my tongue looked like when the wires came off!
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Kindest Regards