As a red-blooded, American male I have bigger concerns than just my weight. Oh sure, some people are bedridden because they’re too heavy to get off the mattress — there’s a diet for that. But what if you’re bedridden due to chronic self-pleasuring? Where’s the diet for that? What can you do if you’re plagued with impure thoughts? I’ll tell you what you can do. You can eat graham crackers, that’s what.

So for the next four days, the diet I will be going on is inspired by Presbyterian minister and dietary reformer, Sylvester Graham. Dead 156 years today, and just as irrelevant as ever.

Finally! A diet that will not only give me some extra room in the waistline of my jeans, but also a little more space in the underpants.