Okay, here are the fundamentals of the Sylvester Graham diet as I’ve picked up from the 1835 book, “A Defence of the Graham System of Living: Or, Remarks on Diet and Regimen” by Sylvester Graham.

Today I’ll talk about the eleven categories of food. These categories are taken directly from the book.

1. Animal food, such as the flesh of quadrupeds, of  birds, and fishes; sometimes the germs of animals, as eggs; and the animal secretion called milk, subsequently converted into butter and cheese.  - Graham doesn’t like these one bit. He writes:

“It is only by softening and disguising dead flesh, by culinary preparation, that it is rendered susceptible of mastication or digestion; and that the sight of its bloody juices and raw horror does not excite intolerable loathing and disgust. Let the advocate of animal food force himself to a decisive experiment on its fitness, and, as Plutarch recommends, tear a living lamb with his teeth, and, plunging his head into its vitals, slake his thirst with the streaming blood; when fresh from the deed of horror, let him revert to the irresistible instinct of nature that would rise in judgment against it, and say,
‘Nature formed me for such a work as this!’”

So he’s saying that because we have to do a lot of preparation on the animals that we eat, man must not be made to eat animals. I guess that makes sense, but by that same logic, no amount of preparation can be done to asparagus to make me want to eat it, so does that mean I’m not meant to eat asparagus? Maybe.

I like when people say we shouldn’t eat meat because we weren’t made to eat meat. Even if that were true — and there’s no real evidence we were made to do anything at all– the fact is we do eat meat. Doesn’t the fact that we’ve done it for thousands of years seem to indicate that it is in our nature to do so? Or did the American Beef Council hold a lot of sway a few trillion years ago?

Well, regardless, for the purposes of this diet, animal products are off limits.

2. The germs or seeds of vegetables, such as wheat, rye, barley, oats, beans, peas, chesnuts, walnuts

These are okay with Graham, but you can’t have things made with white flour. And he prefers unleavened bread to regular bread.

So in regards to just these first two categories of food we’ve looked at, I realize that if I want to have a sandwich at anytime over the next few days, it’s going to have to be on unleavened whole-wheat crackers with no animals products. Outstanding.

3. The seed-vessels of vegetables, such as apples, pears, peaches, grapes, strawberries, blackberries

Graham doesn’t have a bad thing to say about any of these “seed vessels” except for one. And you women know what it is, what with your filthy impure thoughts of your Brad Pitts and Kirk Camerons. I know exactly what seed vessel you’ve been abusing when hubby is away. That’s right: the cucumber.

“The Cucumber belongs to the same class of fruits,  and is decidedly one of the most pernicious and dangerous articles of diet in common use. It is eaten in a green and unripe state, which alone would constitute a serious objection to its use. It contains an acrid principle, which is very unfriendly to health; it is quite destitute of any nourishing qualities, and is scarcely soluble in the stomach: and yet, this unripe, watery, indigestible production is esteemed a luxury. All who value health and comfortable feelings will find it to their advantage to avoid the cucumber.”

4. The roots of vegetables, such as potatoes, parsnips, beets, carrots, turnips, radishes

These are all considerd to be good by Graham, so they are in the diet.
 

5. The leaves of vegetables, such as cabbage, lettuce, spinnage

Hey, here’s a twist. Graham doesn’t really like these vegetables all that much. Finally here is a subject we can both agree on.

6. Water

Water sucks, of course. It’s tasteless and boring so Graham is a big fan of it. On the diet I will be drinking nothing but water.

I’ll group together the last five: 

7. Infusions, of animal and vegetable substances, as soup; of vegetable substances, as tea, coffee
8 . Fermented liquors, such as the various descriptions of wine, ale, beer, porter, cider
9. Distilled liquors, as brandy, gin, and spirits.
10. Narcotic substances, as tobacco and opium.
11. Condiments, as pepper, mustard

Listen, if you can’t have cucumbers on a diet, you sure as shit aren’t going to be allowed opium. Weight Watchers doesn’t even like you having opium and you’re allowed to have chocolate cake on weight watchers.

Here is a quick sampling of Graham’s opinion on some of these subjects.

On Tea: “It would be a great proof of patriotic spirit, in this country, if the use of this exotic drug [was] … altogether abandoned…”

On Coffee: “It leads people of a sanguine temperament, and particularly females, to the long train of fashionable nervous diseases.”

On Fermented Liquors: “No greater curse could have been inflicted upon society than the introduction of fermented and distilled liquors. “

On Condiments such as Pepper, Mustard, and Ginger: “[They] are highly injurious, being some of the most powerful of the class of artificial stimulants.”

That’s right. Pepper and mustard are some of the most powerful stimulants. I’m sick of leaving my apartment only to find some rowdy teenagers huffing Grey Poupon. Where are their parents? That’s the question I’m asking. When did this become society’s problem? Think about it… won’t you?

Okay, so it looks like the diet is going to consist mostly of graham crackers, fruit, and boiled potatoes. I’ll break it down into the specifics of what and when I’ll eat tomorrow.