I like trying to come up with new diets. This is my improvement on the Idiot-Proof Diet. I call it an improvement because it’s free and it has just as much science behind it as the Idiot-Proof Diet has (very little). You get all the structure of that diet and you get to pick the foods you like as well.

First get 81 index cards, post-its or small slips of paper. You also need a calorie-guide book or website like Calorie King.

Now think of the foods you like that fall into these three categories – 1. primarily protein 2. primarily healthy carbs (fruits, vegetables, whole grains) and 3. A mixture of the two.

You are now going to write a meal (or single food) you like on each index card, but you are going to do it so each card falls into a particular category. The first thing we need to do is come up with 8 meals that are primarily protein and have 200 or less calories in them, and put one meal on each card. So, on the first card you might write, Two Scrambled Eggs. On the next card you might write Grilled Italian Sausage. And you would continue this until you had 8 different cards each with a 200-calorie protein meal on it.  Then you would fill out 8 other cards in 8 other categories as well. The complete list of categories, with an example meal for each, is below.

Cards:
(8) 200-calorie protein meals (ex: 3 oz. salmon sauteed)
(8) 300-calorie protein meals (ex: hamburger patty with slice of cheese)
(8) 400-calorie protein meals (ex: 2-egg omelet with cheese and 3 slices of bacon)
(8) 200-calorie carbohydrate meals (ex: carrots and celery with low-cal dip)
(8) 300-calorie carbohydrate meals (ex: wholegrain pasta with tomato sauce)
(8) 400-calorie carbohydrate meals (ex: large fruit smoothie)
(8) 200-calorie protein and carb meals (ex: green-salad with grilled shrimp and low-cal dressing)
(8) 300-calorie protein and carb meals (ex: wholegrain english-muffin pizzas)
(8) 400-calorie protein and carb meals (ex: large steak with sweet-potato fries)

That gives us 8 cards in 9 different categories, each of which has a different food on it. I know it’s a lot of work and you might think that coming up with all these different meals will be difficult, but as you flip through your calorie guide ideas will come to you. It might take you an evening to come up with the ideas, but then you’re all set. Feel free to repeat foods if necessary, but try to come up with enough  variations to fill the cards. You can have a number of different meals based on eggs, or chicken or anything else that fall in these categories. Some people find counting calories to be confusing. If you are one of these people I suggest you go back to school because there’s a high probability that you’re dumb. Losing weight is not your biggest problem if you can’t figure out addition. If you’re not sure if something is more protein or carb than a mix of the two, just throw it in whichever category you want, as long as the calories are correct, it’s no big deal.

We now have 72 cards filled out. On 8 of the remaining 9 cards, put a large X. On the last card put a large O. Now fold each card into quarters and mix them all up in a bag or a box.

Here’s how the diet works. It lasts for 21 days (then you can start it up over again).

When you wake up in the morning reach into the bag and pull out four slips. Whatever is on these slips is what you’re going to eat for the day. Once you’ve noted what they are, you can put these slips in a separate bag or box for ones that have already been used. These four meals should be spaced at least a couple hours apart. You can eat them in any order. And you’re not allowed to drink anything other than water or other no-calorie beverages.

A slip with an X on it means you get to eat whatever you want for that meal. These are essentially your cheat meals, and you get 8 of them over the course of 3 weeks. The only rule is that you have to limit yourself to four things at that meal. For example: 2 slices of pizza, a can of soda, and a candy bar = 4 things. A cheeseburger, fries, beer, and an ice-cream cone = 4 things. 4 brownies = 4 things. Sometimes you will have to make a judgement call. How many buffalo wings are there in 1 “thing”? I’d say there are 10 max. So you could have 20 wings, a Coke, and a slice of cake = 4 things.  Just use your head. If there’s any question in your mind just ask, “How many of these would a healthy person conceivably eat at a sitting?” However many that is, that’s one “thing.” So one piece of pie is one thing, but 4 Oreos is probably one thing to.

If the slip with the big O on it is one of the four slips you picked, then you should put the other three slips back in the bag because that O means that today you will be fasting. Yes, fasting, for one day. No food, just water. People do it all the time. It won’t kill you.

Now what happens is that some days you may have a couple cheat meals and a couple 400 calorie meals, those days will be really easy. On other days you may just end up with four 200-calorie meals. It’s all up to luck, or god, or fate. That’s how the Fate Diet works. You see, by constantly shifting the amount and type of calories you consume you will confuse your metabolism, this means your body will never enter starvation mode and your internal fat-burning furnace will kick in.

(Everything in red in that last sentence is bogus diet talk. Every diet has some and people seem willing to believe it, so I threw it in for good measure.)

If anyone ends up trying The Fate Diet, let me know.