First, I lost about 5 pounds over the four diet. That’s the good news. The food was so universally unappealing that I had pretty much no desire to eat. The Graham crackers themselves weren’t bad at all. But I have a feeling they’re not exactly the same as the ones Sylvester was rolling out all those years ago. Mine were sweet and chocolatey and sometimes in the shape of teddybears.

The bad news is the diet seemed to have no effect on the frequency or intensity of my sexual arousal. In honor of Sylvester Graham I remained chaste throughout the duration of the diet, but the thoughts still existed, if not the deed. In fact, by the end of the four days, Graham himself was starting to look good to me. I’m so ashamed.

So hey, if you’re looking to drop a few pounds I think the diet would work for a little while. And if you want to indulge in some hot erotica, you’d love Graham’s sexy book: A Lecture to Young Men on Chastity. Which contains such steamy gems as…

“Hence, therefore, SEXUAL DESIRE, cherished by the mind and dwelt on by the imagination, not only increases the excitability and peculiar sensibility of the genital organs themselves, but always throws an influence, equal to the intensity of the affection, over the whole nervous domain ;—disturbing all the functions depending on the nerves for vital energy, which is thereby increased upon, or distracted from them—and if this excitement is frequently repeated, or long continued, it inevitably induces an increased degree of irritability, and debility, and relaxation generally throughout the nervous and muscular tissues, and especially the nerves of organic life. And hence, those LASCIVIOUS DAY-DREAMS, and amorous reveries, in which young people too generally—and especially the idle, and the voluptuous, and the sedentary, and the nervous—are exceedingly apt to indulge, are often the sources of general debility, effeminacy, disordered functions, and permanent disease, and even premature death, without the actual exercise of the genital organs ! Indeed, this unchastity of thought—this adultery of the mind—is the beginning of immeasurable evil to the human family : and while children are regularly, though unintentionallytrained to it, by all the mistaken fondness of parents, and all the circumstances of civic life, it is but mockery in the ear of Heaven to deprecate the evil consequences ; and folly, little short of fatuity, to attempt to arrest the current of crime that flows from it.”

Oh Sylvester, you dog!

Breakfast:
2 Graham crackers
1 Grapefruit
1 serving of unsweetened oatmeal

Lunch:
2 Graham crackers
1 peach
1 cup green beans
2 slice of whole-wheat bread

Dinner
2 Graham crackers
3/4 pound boiled potatoes
1 cup Peas
1 Apple

The only thing you’re allowed to drink is water.

Good news! You are allowed to cheat on this diet. And by that I mean you’re allowed to have as many of Graham’s dreaded cucumbers as you want.

Yum!!! Sounds good, huh?

I will report back soon on the diets effects.

Today I’ll talk about the eleven categories of food. These categories are taken directly from the book.

1. Animal food, such as the flesh of quadrupeds, of  birds, and fishes; sometimes the germs of animals, as eggs; and the animal secretion called milk, subsequently converted into butter and cheese.  - Graham doesn’t like these one bit. He writes:

“It is only by softening and disguising dead flesh, by culinary preparation, that it is rendered susceptible of mastication or digestion; and that the sight of its bloody juices and raw horror does not excite intolerable loathing and disgust. Let the advocate of animal food force himself to a decisive experiment on its fitness, and, as Plutarch recommends, tear a living lamb with his teeth, and, plunging his head into its vitals, slake his thirst with the streaming blood; when fresh from the deed of horror, let him revert to the irresistible instinct of nature that would rise in judgment against it, and say,
‘Nature formed me for such a work as this!’”

So he’s saying that because we have to do a lot of preparation on the animals that we eat, man must not be made to eat animals. I guess that makes sense, but by that same logic, no amount of preparation can be done to asparagus to make me want to eat it, so does that mean I’m not meant to eat asparagus? Maybe.

I like when people say we shouldn’t eat meat because we weren’t made to eat meat. Even if that were true — and there’s no real evidence we were made to do anything at all– the fact is we do eat meat. Doesn’t the fact that we’ve done it for thousands of years seem to indicate that it is in our nature to do so? Or did the American Beef Council hold a lot of sway a few trillion years ago?

Well, regardless, for the purposes of this diet, animal products are off limits.

2. The germs or seeds of vegetables, such as wheat, rye, barley, oats, beans, peas, chesnuts, walnuts

These are okay with Graham, but you can’t have things made with white flour. And he prefers unleavened bread to regular bread.

So in regards to just these first two categories of food we’ve looked at, I realize that if I want to have a sandwich at anytime over the next few days, it’s going to have to be on unleavened whole-wheat crackers with no animals products. Outstanding.

3. The seed-vessels of vegetables, such as apples, pears, peaches, grapes, strawberries, blackberries

Graham doesn’t have a bad thing to say about any of these “seed vessels” except for one. And you women know what it is, what with your filthy impure thoughts of your Brad Pitts and Kirk Camerons. I know exactly what seed vessel you’ve been abusing when hubby is away. That’s right: the cucumber.

“The Cucumber belongs to the same class of fruits,  and is decidedly one of the most pernicious and dangerous articles of diet in common use. It is eaten in a green and unripe state, which alone would constitute a serious objection to its use. It contains an acrid principle, which is very unfriendly to health; it is quite destitute of any nourishing qualities, and is scarcely soluble in the stomach: and yet, this unripe, watery, indigestible production is esteemed a luxury. All who value health and comfortable feelings will find it to their advantage to avoid the cucumber.”

4. The roots of vegetables, such as potatoes, parsnips, beets, carrots, turnips, radishes

These are all considerd to be good by Graham, so they are in the diet.
 

5. The leaves of vegetables, such as cabbage, lettuce, spinnage

Hey, here’s a twist. Graham doesn’t really like these vegetables all that much. Finally here is a subject we can both agree on.

6. Water

Water sucks, of course. It’s tasteless and boring so Graham is a big fan of it. On the diet I will be drinking nothing but water.

I’ll group together the last five: 

7. Infusions, of animal and vegetable substances, as soup; of vegetable substances, as tea, coffee
8 . Fermented liquors, such as the various descriptions of wine, ale, beer, porter, cider
9. Distilled liquors, as brandy, gin, and spirits.
10. Narcotic substances, as tobacco and opium.
11. Condiments, as pepper, mustard

Listen, if you can’t have cucumbers on a diet, you sure as shit aren’t going to be allowed opium. Weight Watchers doesn’t even like you having opium and you’re allowed to have chocolate cake on weight watchers.

Here is a quick sampling of Graham’s opinion on some of these subjects.

On Tea: “It would be a great proof of patriotic spirit, in this country, if the use of this exotic drug [was] … altogether abandoned…”

On Coffee: “It leads people of a sanguine temperament, and particularly females, to the long train of fashionable nervous diseases.”

On Fermented Liquors: “No greater curse could have been inflicted upon society than the introduction of fermented and distilled liquors. “

On Condiments such as Pepper, Mustard, and Ginger: “[They] are highly injurious, being some of the most powerful of the class of artificial stimulants.”

That’s right. Pepper and mustard are some of the most powerful stimulants. I’m sick of leaving my apartment only to find some rowdy teenagers huffing Grey Poupon. Where are their parents? That’s the question I’m asking. When did this become society’s problem? Think about it… won’t you?

Okay, so it looks like the diet is going to consist mostly of graham crackers, fruit, and boiled potatoes. I’ll break it down into the specifics of what and when I’ll eat tomorrow.

So for the next four days, the diet I will be going on is inspired by Presbyterian minister and dietary reformer, Sylvester Graham. Dead 156 years today, and just as irrelevant as ever.

Finally! A diet that will not only give me some extra room in the waistline of my jeans, but also a little more space in the underpants.