But what are the numbers? Well, after 48 hours on the juice, I had lost about 8.5 pounds. After a day of eating normally I regained 3.5 of those pounds for an actual weight loss of 5 pounds. 5 pounds over the course of 2 days isn’t too shabby. It’s not the ten the makers of the juice claim — and if anyone should come close to ten, it should be a bigger guy like me — but it’s alright.

Would I recommend this diet to anyone else. Not for a moment. It’s complete bullshit. Even the label on the bottle tells you as much. It says, quite clearly:

Weight loss based on fasting and moderate exercise.

In other words, the juice doesn’t have goddamn thing to do with it. So why would people pay $15 dollars a quart for it? Search me.

Will you lose weight on this thing? Absolutely, but as they themselves point out, it’s because you’re fasting and you’re getting a little exercise (or you should be at least). And since you’re not consuming any salt, you’ll also retain less water. But of course the moment you go back to eating food and salt, you’ll put a good portion of the weight back on.

So, if you want to do this diet, let’s at least save you some money.

Andy’s Ghetto Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet

2 cups Orange Juice
2 cups Apple Juice
2 cups pineapple juice
2 cups water or seltzer

Mix all the ingredients together.

How to use: Pour yourself a glass (1 cup – 8 oz) of this wonder potion at 8 AM, Noon, 4 PM, and 8PM, and sip it slowly over the course of 4 hours. At 9am, 11am, 1pm, 3pm, 5pm, 7pm, 9pm, and 11pm, chug one cup (8 oz) of regular water.

Walk for 30 minutes total on Day 1 and again on Day 2. You may do it all at once or broken up into 2 or 3 segments.

Take a multi-vitamin and multi-mineral.

Shed pounds like a rockstar.

Regain about half of what you lost the first day you go back to eating normally.

Have fun. I recommend this diet if you’re trying to lose some pounds to fit into a bridesmaid dress or look a few pounds lighter at your high-school reunion. But ultimately, the only way you’re really going to keep the weight off is if you die at the end of the 48 hours. So if you’re trying to look your best for a suicide, this is the way to go.

If anyone actually tries this, send me an e-mail and let me know how it worked for you.

This “Hollywood” diet is really glamorous. I feel like I’m ready to don a tux and go to The People’s Choice Awards!

I love when an infomercial will have a paid celebrity endorsement, but they can’t really get anybody legit so they have to choose one of the kids from Just the Ten of Us or the guy who played the dad on Small Wonder (yeah, search your mind for an image of that guy). And they’ll say something like, “Whenever I’m on the set, I make sure I have my Sunstop Sunglasses on me. They keep my eyes safe from harmful UV rays but I can still see the director as clear as day,” or something like that. And I’m always sitting on my couch thinking, “Who are you kidding! You haven’t been on tv for 20 goddamn years!”

As far as I can tell. The Hollwyood 48-Hour Miracle Diet couldn’t actually dredge up anyone with a SAG card to pimp their juice for them, so I don’t really know where the “Hollywood” comes into it. Maybe that’s where they juice the pineapples. I don’t know.

I do know that day two left me feeling a fair bit hungrier, but it wasn’t anything too bad. I wasn’t around a lot of people eating, so I didn’t have that type of temptation. Apparently I am now “detoxed” due to not eating or drinking anything besides this juice and water for the past couple days. I don’t feel any different. I know I’m supposed to be feeling on top of the world because of this, but I don’t notice anything except a fairly steady hunger.

So, how did the diet work? Well, tomorrow I will write up my summary and let you know the total amount I lost in two days, and the net loss after a day of eating like a normal person (which is the only important figure, as far as I’m concerned).

The Basics: Here’s what you do when you’re on the Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet: You drink 4 oz of their magical elixir (mixed with 4 oz of water) four times a day. In addition you drink 8 more glasses of water throughout the day. That’s it. You can’t eat or drink anything else.

So what could be in this incredible beverage that will help you to lose 10 pounds in 48 hours? Brace yourself… fruit juice. And some vitamins. And a “special blend of essential oils.” That’s about it.

And how much does one pay for a quart of this potion? $15.00. That’s right, this stuff is $60 a gallon. Next time you’re bitching about how much it costs to fill up your car, just be thankful your car doesn’t run on the Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet juice.

The juice tastes like essentially any generic fruit juice mix. I wouldn’t say it’s “Delicious Tasting” as it says on the bottle, but it tastes okay enough. Essentially the juice is made up of pineapple, apple, and orange juice, as well as apricot, peach, and banana puree. If you think that sounds okay then you’d probably have no problem with the taste of it.

In all honesty, I didn’t find myself very hungry throughout day one. I don’t know if this was something inherent in the juice (I doubt it), or if it was just a matter of being excited about doing something new, or if it was because of my physiology. I usually don’t get very hungry until I’ve eaten something that day, so it stands to reason that if I don’t eat at all, then I won’t get particularly hungry (at least in the short term). I’ve had some wonderful headaches that are presumably the result of the lack of caffeine. Beyond that I haven’t noticed any significant effects of not eating. Although it has been a pretty constant parade to the bathroom.

The “miracle” continues tomorrow.

The way this– and all future– diets will work is that I will go on them for the allotted period of time and write daily reports. After the diet I will eat normally for one day. A diet isn’t worth shit if you gain most of it back after a day of eating like a normal person. Then I will write up a summary of my results.

Later today I will write up my report on Day 1 of the Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet. Forgive me if it’s incoherent but I haven’t eaten in 33 hours.