» Special K Diet

Special K Diet – Summary

Andy — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 17:59:13 +0000

Well, I did it, I took the Special K Challenge. (Technically I guess I didn’t because I think the Special K Challenge lasts for 2 weeks. Come to think of it, is there even such a thing as the Special K Challenge or is that the Grape Nuts Challenge? Well, either way, I did the Special K diet for a week.) Over the course of 7 days I lost 7 pounds which is one pound more than Special K claims you might lose over the course of two weeks on the diet, so in that sense it was a success. After a couple days of eating normally, I gained back two pounds for an overall loss of 5 pounds. Not bad for 7 days.

It is a little tiring eating the same thing for breakfast and lunch for 7 straight days. Especially when that one thing isn’t the most exciting cereal you’ve ever come across. But, at the same time, it’s not some god-awful tasting thing that you have to choke down either (like cabbage soup or something). I could have spiced things up with some different varieties of Special K but I wanted the straight dope.

I hope now that I’ve successfully completed the Special K Diet that Kellogg’s sees fit to add a guy to their web-page/commercials. Better yet they should specifically use me in their advertising. Not the real me, but a cartoon version of me to appeal to kids on a Saturday morning. Special K has very little kid appeal, but I could turn that around by being their new cartoon pitchman. The commercials could be about how I’m always trying to get my hands on a bowl of Special K but the kids will never give me any. Then at the end of the commercial I could kick the shit out of one of the kids for his bowl of Special K. Then we see the kid’s contorted body on the ground and the camera pulls back and we see he’s in the shape of the letter K, which then morphs into the Special K logo. What do you think, Kellogg’s?

Special K Diet – Day 6

Andy — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 17:38:37 +0000

Man, what I wouldn’t give for a little fried egg and toast for breakfast, but no it’s another Special K morning instead. It’s unfortunate that that’s the way the mind works — that you always want the things you can’t have. You may be in a perfectly happy relationship but you still can’t keep your mind off the neighbor across the street. You can have a really satisfying job but you always second-guess if you’ve made the right career choice. The grass is always greener and the breakfast alternative is always tastier. I remember when I was doing Atkins I would have pushed my grandma down the stairs for a bowl of Special K. Not anymore. I once tried to harness the awesome power of the prohibited foods by saying to myself, “Andy, you are not allowed to have any fruits, vegetables, or health foods. You are only allowed to eat ‘junk’ food or food that’s high in fat and calories.” To which my body replied, “It’s about goddamn time! This is what I wanted all along.” So that didn’t work out so well.

I have a bit of a warning for you if you try the Special K diet. I’ve tried a few different varieties of their cereal and they have all been pretty tasty. I’ve tried the Fruit and Yogurt kind and the Chocolatey Delight kind and they were both good. I’ve also had their Peaches and Berries Special K bar and thought that tasted good too, although it wasn’t particularly satisfying. But there was one Special K product I had that almost made me want to vomit and that is the Special K2O Protein Water. Avoid this shit. First off, I don’t think we were meant to drink protein (except as part of a sexual act). Second, where was I when we decided we could put sucralose in something and not put a big label on it that says, “This tastes like shit”? I know some people say they can’t taste the difference between artificial sweetener and the real thing, but I can and they don’t even taste close to me. You might as well be adding clam juice or sawdust, that’s how little like sugar this stuff tastes to me. So if you’re someone who can’t stand the taste of artificial sweeteners like me, I suggest you give this stuff a big old body swerve.

One more day.

Special K Diet – Day 4

Andy — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 18:47:29 +0000

Two more bowls of Special K — or as I am calling it now, Mediocre K – and the diet continues. I went to wikipedia to see what I could find out about Special K and it had this interesting tidbit:

Special K advertising is heavily marketed towards women, perhaps because in the 1970s it established a reputation as one of the first diet cereals. This has led to allegations that Special K was in fact the world’s first so-called ‘sexist cereal’, something which Kellogg’s have themselves strongly denied.

Dear god, I’m eating a ladie’s cereal. Oh sure, Kellogg’s can deny it, but go to the Special K website and count how many men you see.

I don’t mind a cereal that’s targeted towards a specific demographic. There is a long-standing history of this type of marketing, in the breakfast industry. Whether it be a cereal geared towards fringe religious denominations, the homosexual community, black vampires, sociopathic bovines, or virgins. And I’m fine with all of that. But if I’m going to be eating a woman’s cereal, I just want to know before I start losing my mainly chest-hair or growing a vagina or something. I have no idea how powerful this cereal is. I told you Special K wasn’t a descriptive enough name. These things should be called Lesb-O’s or Honey Bunches of O-varies or something. Something to clue a guy in.

Special K Diet – Day 3

Andy — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 20:24:03 +0000

So, basically the Special K diet consists of eating a bowl of Special K for breakfast, another for lunch and then a normal dinner. In a way it’s kind of like Slim-Fast except with Special K instead of Slim-Fast. There are other options too. You can have their Special K bars or their Special K protein water for snacks if you want. I’ve bought some but I haven’t tried them yet. I’ll let you know what I think about them soon.

After my first few days on the diet I would say that it seems pretty easy to stick to and relatively healthy. I’m not usually super hungry in the morning or even around lunch so I don’t find it hard to just eat the cereal until dinner.

I’ve never really thought about it, but Special K is a pretty awful name for a cereal. I mean it gives you no idea what the cereal is like. There are very few cereals like that. Cookie Crisp makes it pretty obvious what you’re getting, Wheaties let’s you know it’s a wheat based cereal, and at least Cheerios clues you into the O-shaped nature of the cereal. Now that I think of it, I think Special K might be one of the worst cereal names ever, second only to another bullshit Kellogg’s name, “Product 19.” Seriously, Kelloggs, Product 19? That’s where you stopped coming up with names for that cereal? Product 19 sounds like a food additive that was banned for causing cancer. Either that or some kind of chemical compound that causes monkeys to be impervious to pain (hence making them the perfect soldiers) in some crappy movie. “Dear god, Larry. Do you see what they’re feeding these monkeys?… Product 19!” Special K isn’t much better. You might think it’s alright because you’ve grown up with it all your life but if you give it a few seconds thought you’ll realize how crappy a name it is. Special K? Listen, I’m the one eating the cereal, I’ll decide if it’s special or not. I don’t trust a food that refers to itself as special. Ladies, imagine if you were in a bar and a guy interested himself as “Handsome Ron.” Same type of deal. Handsome Ron is either hideous or he’s looking for a throat to slit, there’s no two ways about it.

Next Diet

Andy — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 21:12:08 +0000

I realize there has been a bit of delay between posts. I’m trying to come up with a more consistent schedule for when I post on here, how long I stay on a diet and how many days of “recovery” time I have between diets. I have to say though that so far I think this experiment has been pretty successful. I think that when I first started this I figured I would lose weight on the diets and then gain most of it back on the days off so that I would eternally be losing and gaining the same 5 pounds. But what I’ve found is that I tend to gain back about half of what I’ve lost each time.

I’ve come up with my own fad diet. It’s the greatest/dumbest diet you ever heard of. I plan on trying it out and writing it up in a couple weeks when I do a series of posts on how to come up with your own fad diets. I think it’s going to be pretty good.

As far as my next diet goes, I’ve decided to try something pretty mainstream. So for the next week I’ll be going on the Special K Diet.